||[Dec 4 05 ` 11 26 pm]
so right now . life, as misleading as my smile is, is not too great.
the boy and i are not talking
my friends i feel sometimes couldnt give a shit about me
all they care about are parties
at this point in my life, a party now and then would be nice, but every weekend is too much for me
I ahve so much riding on just this one fuckin year, i cant screw this up
I wish i had a really good boyfriend
I mean i see all these people talking about how they are so inlove,
Ive burnt all my bridges, not that i would want to go back over one.. but.. they are burnt i have no one to lean back on.
i have feelings for a guy who is in a serious relationship... thats what he gets for being touchy feely when his gf is up at college... i dunno its just a weird feeling and i really have no clue what to do ne more
its the winter time i need someone to come cuddle with me and to keep me company
not to randomly hookup and have booty calls.. thats not for me. Im finished.
the only good news is that im going to be on tv
and that i finally hit such rock bottom with my self esteem that ive gone to the gym every day and i am on a strict 1270 calorie a day diet.. less if i can manage, i just gave myself a few extra incase im gooing to be out with my friends.. but really i need to feel better about myself before the summer , atleast.
I cried to my mom for 3 hours because she wouldnt let me get liposuction or let me do ne thing becuse honestly ive been workng for 3 yrs to feel better about myself and nothing works..
I was happy to see lauren and tori and heather this weekend that was nice, but
it was ruined when i started to cry a bit over a freidnship i feel that i am loosing with nick
but thank god the boy i like (yet still is in a relationship with anothergirl) was there to wipe my tears away.
what i would do for a good kiss and cuddle session.. i dont think ne one even knows
||[Nov 27 05 ` 6 06 pm]
i cant even express how much i hate the city of chicago.
I never ever want to go back there again ever in my life
okay thanks. thats that.
|wow its been a long long time
||[Nov 15 05 ` 5 48 pm]
everything is going great in the world of elle
straight A's on my report card,
my friends are incredible
i held a little game of kings at my house, it was really nice,
i love my friends.
im kinda upset about not seeing ne one from college
in the spring i think im going to try and visit everyone
the last episode of laguna season 2 really hit a soft spot.
i was crying really hard,'
I have like 2 yrs untill im off to college, but
i honestly dont know how im going to leave my mom
its really hard to talk about but we have been thru so much togehter
i dont know, we are just really close.
and my friends. I already know that im going no where near where my friends are going to college, i mean my ultimate goal is michigan and no one wants to go there!
yetttt on a lighter notee,
IM GOING TO JAMAICA FOR WINTER BREAK
yeah thats right RAZ and i will be in montego bay jamaica staying at the ritz!
ugh what a beautiful hotel.
im more than excited
well hope everyone in the livejournal world is doing more than well, if u need me u can im me.ill post again when im trying to procrastinate and myspace just isnt cutting it
||[Oct 5 05 ` 10 16 pm]
how can i resort to this after all these years
I have a problem and i dont know how to fix it
I thought it went away
but it comes back evverytime somthing dissapointing comes along in my life
i cant lie to people about it ne more
because it doesnt look like what i say
I dont know how to hide it
and i do it every time im upset i dont know what to do
Im going crazy
no ones here ne more
im done. just done
||[Sep 2 05 ` 1 34 am]
im hysterical right now
i dont get why guys want to just be friends
i thought this kid was the sweetest guy ever
. whatever. everyones too good for me.
thts the conclusion ive come to at this point
im going to the gym for four hours tomrorow
and im not leaving untill i make myself throw up because that is how fucking disgusting i feel about myself right now
Im alllllllllllways the best friend
alllllllways the nice one
alllllllllllways the little sister
NEVER the girlfriend
ALWAYS the slut
i ahte it
i just want to be someone totally differnt .
life sucks right now
and i really dont no what to do with my self.
im going to bed.
just liek will, just like ever other fucking guy in my life.
im just never good enough,
i have to learn to except it.
okay thats all
do me a favor and dont comment on this one
I know its all true
i suck as a human being and im just
never ever going to be loved. really. thats just it.
okay well see ya
||[Aug 23 05 ` 1 18 am]
SEX. I NEED SOME., NOW. PLEASE AND THANKS
|okay. heres my vent
||[Aug 22 05 ` 11 13 pm]
|| and fat. wonderful
i look like shit
i mean i know i always have
but like.. now i really look like shit
laine came home from camp and looks incredible
I feel so fat. she must be a size zero and im a fucking four i hate it
Ive done fucking everything to get rid of this shit
but it hasnt worked.
today i went to the gym for 3 hours and then ran a mile and a half. and i almost fainted
cause i hadnt eaten ne thing
but the sick thing is that it was a good feeling
i liked that i workded out so hard, maybe i could feel a little better about my self
but no. i come back home, i look in the mirror and i still look like complete and total shit
Ive eatn healty since god knows when and when i dont eat healthy i work it off
I want lipo.
Im goign to persuade my mom into letting me get it and i dont care what anyone else thinks
i think i look like shit
and i dont want to any more.
and if my frineds say shit so and have any oppositions i say go fuck your self because odds are you or your friends have gotten nose jobs and you didnt say shit.
||[Aug 15 05 ` 11 40 am]
last night was so gay
it was my first night back from michigan
michigan was ill i made new friends and saw old ones
i miss it
and i miss getting wasted with my friends from there
so the city sucks and im bored of it
if i see another movie i think i will cry, alexa comes home today!!!! woot woot!
LETS ALL HANG OUT AND GET WASTED!
please and thanks.
||[Aug 4 05 ` 4 29 pm]
so tonight is bitter sweet
it is my last night in europe
Im somewhat trashed because my mother and i thought i would live it up
my mother is inbed.. drunk... haha making me laugh hysterically
so england was england. its was wonderful, and scary i met so many new people and had such an incredible experience
so then there was st tropez. which was wonderful for a tan and seeing the craaaaazy experience of the south of france
and thenn theres italy which was beautiful, anicient incredible welcoming funny drunk life changing
the history is just the most fabulous thing ever.changed my mind about life, about everything
and my mother and i bonded so much, i love her.
there were fights and such but, all in all it was great to just be with her.
ill have pictures when i get home tomorrow
i truly miss americaaa
but im sad to be leaving
|@ LMH oxford university./
||[Jul 17 05 ` 6 57 pm]
so much to write.
i hate it here.
i love it here
my friends are awesome
my friends cause INSANE amounts of unneeded drama
i am in a hall with 14 girls
mckenzie and sarah are from portland
nikki is from li
allie meredith karyn and jessie are from nyc
and Desi is from the DR
Kadijah, kquait Caroline and the bird have their own thing going for them<-- weird ppl/
my sat teacher,,,, obviously needs somthing up his ass 24/7 such as: a dildo or the actual thing becuase.... believe it or not ... with out something up his ass i believe he is a lot more harsh.
ugh wat a fucker
he has a way to make NE one feel bad about themselves.
i actually love photo.
Im honestly not the greatest at allll
but i love it
its tons of fun ive developed some pics.
they are pretty cool
then there are the trips where some form of drama seems to become apparent
nd the night life, which , other then the ONE pub that we EVER attend and the sketchiest clubs EVER.is non existane... oh right except for the themed dance parties in the JCR of Lady Margret Hall thrown by the overly "cosmo" chapin girls
well i love my frineds so thats good
it is a pussy fest so thats prettty bad
but im hoping st. tropez will have very different results
as for being homesick there is a lot of that
especially for chris and alexa
i miss them more then ne one could ever know
its the three of us against the world
well ill be seeing chris soon
and alexa i wish was coming to st tropez but she has to go to cali
Karyn was suposed to come
but shes not.
shopping here is alrght
its not cheap, but it looks it
some of it is extremely trashy, but suprisingly british ppl can pull it off..
aside the fact that i guess england doent have the greatest fashion.
alrightwell im out
p.s. if ne one wants to fedex me a iced chai tea latte from starbucks thatd be nice considering its a mile walk into town and starbucks closes at SEVEN FUCKING THIRTY
||[Jun 24 05 ` 2 30 pm]
that was me last night when the pistons lost.
I was all geard up with the championship shirt from last yr
||[Jun 24 05 ` 2 26 pm]
that was me last night when the pistons lost.
I was all geard up with the championship shirt from last yr
||[Jun 12 05 ` 12 46 pm]
if your insanely cool you will teach me how to use photoshop and make things pretty!!!
||[May 24 05 ` 11 25 pm]
george bernard shaw once wrote:
"Forgive him, for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature"
if to forgive is to forget, I should forgive, but i will never ever forget anything that has happend these past 4 years
i dont know what to do.
and so my story begins here.
|somewhere only we know
||[May 17 05 ` 11 05 pm]
At this point my eyes hurt
from trying not to cry.
and im still tangled up in
the way we never talk
or how we laughed together
and exchanged I love you's
how we planned years in advance
and were so optimistic
I gave him my child hood
and grew up too quick in thoes three days he left me there to wait sit and wonder if he would still love me ,
he stoped calling,
summer days are cold now,
and the rain takes away the ounce of warmth i had.
sometimes i wonder if it is the rain at all.
Im alone the whole time
a long lost lover
a long lost friend
a long lost
a long lost.
my parents have their own chemical imbalance to deal with
as do I
I refuse to have pill bottle eye glasses.
I also refuse to think, that this isnt the way it should be
that I dont deserve this.because i do
no matter what anyone else thinks.
the pints of tears that match the amounts of insecurites are there for a reason
i wander on a path of shattered past, picking up the peices that have
been so terribly ruptured.
I hold it close to my heart and try so hard to repare it
yet , the past has shaped me
with all its scratches
all its flaws, all its tiny broken off peices that used to not matter
they matter now.
these shards. swept into the corner, hoping they would go away.
they matter because
this is who i am
a girl that is not there, a girl who has done everything to deserve everything she receives in life.
Im just that girl.
|Where'd all the good people go?
||[Apr 14 05 ` 12 55 pm]
im home, sick
Ive been hardcore listening to Jack Johnson for the past 4 days
watching a cinderella story/ life time movies
I miss my frineds even tho i saw some yesterday.
Im going away this weekend
Im both extremely excited and kinda bummed
I mean im chairing, which is amazing because i love everoyne who is commig with me this weekend
but there is a ton of stuff going on in the city
I guess i was kinda invited to go to WBHS prom, but im not sure if i can yet because of money issues
the mom got a new job that pays wonderfully,but.. we will see how it works out
I really appreciate everyone whos been my frined
even tho it seems like it hasnt been a rough time, in my head it really has because, well...its muy hard to explain and it makes me upset to explain it. but lets just say that guys are really really big assholes.
ugh my head is killing me i dnt know why im typing
im going to go watch the We channel (womens entertainment)
||[Apr 7 05 ` 12 14 am]
today is my b day!! <33